Community Cat on Abduction and Return: "They Took My Balls"

CAPE ELIZABETH, Maine – Otherworldly visitors descended upon the rocky shores of Maine only to abduct and perform a bizarre medical operation on a community cat, according to local feline resident Hambone. “They took my balls,” confessed Hambone, a father to 376 cats and grandfather to countless others in the New England area. The harrowing experience began when he was awoken from his fourth nap of the day to find himself trapped in a “steel cage.” Humanoid-like creatures reportedly informed Hambone that he would not be harmed. “They put me on a table where I felt my eyelids getting heavier,” Hambone recounted, “One of them had a metallic object used for God knows what.” Upon reawakening the next day back in his neighborhood, he realized part of himself was missing – but he had gained something else. “I don’t want to carry the weight of being a deadbeat dad anymore and maybe something good came out of this abduction,” Hambone said while proudly showcasing his new tipped ear. He is due in Cumberland County District Court regarding past due kitten support early next month.